Not knowing why is the most frustrating part

5 Sep

It looks like my blog is turning into a series of dating disasters, but it’s a good place to vent. It also appears I’m cursed in the world of love and relationships, and this is the most recent chapter in a cringe worthy, baffling collection of stories about my latest crush. I don’t want to delve too deep into details, as frankly it’s a waste of my time to spend another minute thinking about this loser, but I wanted to bring it up because it got me thinking about why people have such hard times moving on from failed relationships.

Basically, I’ve had a crush on this bartender at my favourite bar since May (yeah yeah, bad idea, I know), but he didn’t seem like the typical man whore bartender, he was more like kind of shy and cute. Anyways, maybe a month ago he finally struck up conversation with me, invited me over to his place for TV watching, nothing happened, but it was fine. He said he had a good time, and we should hang out again. Two weeks go by, no word from him. I finally text him and say I’m going to x bar if he wants to meet up. He’s like ‘yeah for sure, text me when you’re there.’ We texted on and off all night, and plans changed, but the most annoying part was he never wrote back to my last text. And I hadn’t heard from him for like 3 weeks (nor had I been to that bar since). So I decided to go on Saturday, since it is my favourite, and I’m not going to avoid it just because it might be awkward to see him. Although I had pretty much given up on the idea of anything happening, I just figured we’d be on a friendly basis, like hey what’s up. When I arrived, it turns out he wasn’t working, so I was perfectly happy with that. Twenty minutes later, I’m outside with my friend who is smoking with one of the bouncers. This bartender shows up, my friend goes “call him over here!” so to my¬†embarrassment, the bouncer calls him over and says “this girl wants to talk to you” straight out of grade 8 when friends intervened with crushes. It was so awkward, but to make matters worse, bartender takes one look at me and literally BOLTS into the bar. I think my mouth actually dropped open….totally unnecessary and SO RUDE. I ended up texting him against my friend’s advice, and just said “wow, that was really rude.” and promptly deleted his # from my phone. Seriously, who does that? You’d think I was the scumbag of the earth, crazy ex wife of his or something, instead of the girl he hung out with one night and apparently had a good time. It’s not like I’ve been texting him nonstop being like “why haven’t you msgd me?!” I’ve played it painfully cool up until that night…and even still I don’t see what I could have possibly done to warrant that immature reaction from him. So if he’s found some other chick, great, but that still doesn’t excuse that shitty behaviour. I’m truly baffled!

Now, I don’t even want to attempt to compare my pathetic dating stories with all the suicides I’ve been reading about in the news these past couple weeks, but it got me thinking of how incredibly frustrating it must be to have to accept another person’s behaviour without any explanation. I will never know why bartender had such a strong adverse reaction to see me on Saturday, but I’m not going to stick around to ask. But when I hear of Wade Belak’s suicide, and Trey Pennington, both men who seemed to have it all from an outside perspective (wife, kids, successful career), I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be for their families to comprehend how these two men could feel so alone and depressed that they’d rather be dead than continue being a husband and father. I know that depression is an illness, and it’s heartbreaking that these men felt they couldn’t go on. But thinking from their spouses and kids perspective, aside from my first reaction of being devastated, I would be furious and confused – they will never know the real reason why.

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