The ROI of Bar Talk

11 Dec

This past weekend I joined my girlfriends at a local bar for our friend’s birthday. I spotted a dashing young man in a three piece suit (odd choice of attire for a pub, but I dug it), and we briefly made eye contact. A couple minutes later he walked up to my friend and I, and asked us if we would like to sit down at the table next to him, since he noticed we’d been standing for awhile. Sweet. We accepted, and took a seat beside this dude and his friend. My friend Sarah (who is in a long term relationship) is pretty much the best wingwoman ever, and was working her magic.

This man (Rob I believe his name was), was a very interesting individual, he was saying how his friend and him were thinking that men don’t dress up anymore in the city so they thought they’d try a social experiment by wearing their best custom, tailored three piece suit out to a bar. We ended up chatting for about an hour, then Sarah and I took a break to get a drink and chat with the birthday girl. When we came back to the table Rob asked us if we were single. Sarah responded, and I tried to deflect the question (I hate saying “yes, I am single” it sounds so lame, like admitting I’m 100% available). He asked me again if I was single, so I said yes, and he asked how it was working out for me. I just did the “meh” shrug and asked him what his status was. Just want to note, this conversation came up a little after an hour of chatting. He then proceeds to drop a bomb of “I’m polyamorous, so I have multiple relationships.” What.the. fuck. Really?! These are the type of guys who are out there? Sarah and I obviously pressed him for more details, as visions of Sister Wives and Big Love floated through my head.

According to him, polyamorous means that you have multiple deep, emotional relationships with women, and that it’s not just a sexual one time thing, like swingers. So he explained that he’s been in love with this one girl who lives in NYC and she is his “primary” but that he also dates and sees other women, all of whom *apparently* know about this and are fine with us. Really?!


I’m the first to admit, I struggle with the idea of marriage and the idea that you’re destined to be with one person for the rest of your life until death do you part. To me, that sounds claustrophobic and boring and impossible, though I suppose part of my thinking is because I haven’t met the right person who I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. However, when I like someone, I’m 100% in. I become crazed and consumed with the idea of this person, and it’s physically impossible for me to truly like/love more than one person at a time. Rob tried to explain it like a mother’s love of her children, and that it’s 100% reasonable that she loves both equally. Both Sarah and I disagreed, that you can’t have romantic, passionate, love with more than one person.

The part that really bugs me about this, is not that someone like this exists, but that it was such a disappointing waste of time talking to this guy! Yes, he was super interesting and cute, but I feel like there was no return on my investment into the conversation. I had been hoping for at least a kiss, an exchange of a number, but after he dropped that bomb I went from hot to cold. It’s super disappointing, though I suppose a guy’s intro line can’t really be “hey, I’m polyamorous, if you want to hang out, then cool!” Also, I should have known when he said he quit his web developer job with the hopes of becoming a baker, and that he was 27 and still in university.


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