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The ROI of Bar Talk

11 Dec

This past weekend I joined my girlfriends at a local bar for our friend’s birthday. I spotted a dashing young man in a three piece suit (odd choice of attire for a pub, but I dug it), and we briefly made eye contact. A couple minutes later he walked up to my friend and I, and asked us if we would like to sit down at the table next to him, since he noticed we’d been standing for awhile. Sweet. We accepted, and took a seat beside this dude and his friend. My friend Sarah (who is in a long term relationship) is pretty much the best wingwoman ever, and was working her magic.

This man (Rob I believe his name was), was a very interesting individual, he was saying how his friend and him were thinking that men don’t dress up anymore in the city so they thought they’d try a social experiment by wearing their best custom, tailored three piece suit out to a bar. We ended up chatting for about an hour, then Sarah and I took a break to get a drink and chat with the birthday girl. When we came back to the table Rob asked us if we were single. Sarah responded, and I tried to deflect the question (I hate saying “yes, I am single” it sounds so lame, like admitting I’m 100% available). He asked me again if I was single, so I said yes, and he asked how it was working out for me. I just did the “meh” shrug and asked him what his status was. Just want to note, this conversation came up a little after an hour of chatting. He then proceeds to drop a bomb of “I’m polyamorous, so I have multiple relationships.” What.the. fuck. Really?! These are the type of guys who are out there? Sarah and I obviously pressed him for more details, as visions of Sister Wives and Big Love floated through my head.

According to him, polyamorous means that you have multiple deep, emotional relationships with women, and that it’s not just a sexual one time thing, like swingers. So he explained that he’s been in love with this one girl who lives in NYC and she is his “primary” but that he also dates and sees other women, all of whom *apparently* know about this and are fine with us. Really?!

 

I’m the first to admit, I struggle with the idea of marriage and the idea that you’re destined to be with one person for the rest of your life until death do you part. To me, that sounds claustrophobic and boring and impossible, though I suppose part of my thinking is because I haven’t met the right person who I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. However, when I like someone, I’m 100% in. I become crazed and consumed with the idea of this person, and it’s physically impossible for me to truly like/love more than one person at a time. Rob tried to explain it like a mother’s love of her children, and that it’s 100% reasonable that she loves both equally. Both Sarah and I disagreed, that you can’t have romantic, passionate, love with more than one person.

The part that really bugs me about this, is not that someone like this exists, but that it was such a disappointing waste of time talking to this guy! Yes, he was super interesting and cute, but I feel like there was no return on my investment into the conversation. I had been hoping for at least a kiss, an exchange of a number, but after he dropped that bomb I went from hot to cold. It’s super disappointing, though I suppose a guy’s intro line can’t really be “hey, I’m polyamorous, if you want to hang out, then cool!” Also, I should have known when he said he quit his web developer job with the hopes of becoming a baker, and that he was 27 and still in university.

What is with the lead-on?!

29 Oct

After scanning my most recent posts on here, it appears that an unnerving trend is happening – I like a guy, somehow get encouraged by his actions, and then he drops off the face of the planet. I get it – I must be the common denominator, right? Perhaps I’m in denial, but I would argue that I’m a pretty cautious person when it comes to matters of the heart. I’m not quick to assume things “he TOTALLY is in to me” but I must admit I put a lot of weight into words when apparently I shouldn’t.

My last POF opportunity (HBC) crashed and burned, so I though I’d take it more seriously this time around, and actually put in effort. I chatted to a few guys, was still hesitant about meeting up, but liked the attention. One night, I was stuck at the office working late, and got a message from a cute guy (let’s call him “N”). He wasn’t my typical type by any means, he seemed skinny, kinda nerdy, and not athletic, but something in his messages stood out to me and I found myself wanting to learn more about him. We made a date to meet up that Monday after work, and after spending a solid hour freaking out inwardly, I met up with him and it was surprisingly good. We started with coffee, progressed onto dinner, and ended up closing the restaurant and having a six hour date. He texted me to make sure I got home okay, said he had a great time, etc., and I was proud of myself for getting out there. We then made plans for a second date that Saturday (which was the Thanksgiving long weekend), and we went for drinks at a pub. Again, the date went on for about 4 hours, but still no kiss, and we left with him saying to text him when I was back in the city. I ended up texting him about a movie (inside joke) but it kind of died off from there. I tried to text again on Thursday asking what his plans were and if he wanted to go for drinks that weekend, he said he had plans Fri/Sat, but could possibly do Sunday. I replied “sounds great, what did you have in mind?” and still have not heard back (it’s been like 3 weeks). So frustrating!
Still, I wasn’t quite discouraged from POF, so I went back online and randomly found a guy who I had gone to school with. He was a couple years older and I definitely had a crush on him back in the day, but never once spoke to him. I decided to message him, and he said I was the first interesting person who messaged him, so I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink sometime. We ended up texting back and forth, and eventually ended up meeting for lunch last week. He was just as cute as I’d remembered, has a good job, seems chivalrous and fun to hang out with, and even mentioned that he’d try to come to my Halloween party (which I had casually mentioned when talking about plans for Halloween). Honestly I was surprised he said he was going to try to come, and he even asked about security and how to get into the building, and if I’d have my phone on me. However, he didn’t show up, and hasn’t texted me – wtf. I fully get that he may have met up with me out of curiousity or something, like “oh this girl had a crush on me back in school” but why talk about trying to come to my party when you had no intention of coming? And if something came up, he could’ve at least been like “sorry, not going to be able to make it.” So am I to take his lack of messaging to mean he’s not interested? One of my friend’s always thinks we should make the move “did you make it obvious you were attracted to him? Text him anyways, what do you have to lose?” But at this point, I’m sick of having to be the one to call the shots and wait for them to make a decision. I’m sorry, but I have to believe that if a guy is interested, he will make a point to get in touch and secure a second date. I totally understand that women have power blah blah and I would have no problem asking him out if I knew he was interested, but at this early point on, I guess I have to take a hint. It’s disappointing, because again, I feel like I trusted his words and let myself believe that he was intending to come to my party, as in, he’s interested in seeing me again. Also, was I *that* bad on our date to not warrant a second chance?! Jesus. I guess I need to stop thinking ANYTHING until a guy has kissed me – that’s when I’ll know he’s at least semi interested.

UPDATE: High School crush texted me a week after our date – yup, exactly a week later asking how my party was and saying that he was super lame all weekend. Still didn’t ask me out on a second date, but I figured he was semi interested if he texted me a week after, so I continued to hang onto the thread of desperation. One Saturday about a month ago, I texted him asking if he was downtown, he said he was with his boys (I was with my girls), he said we should message throughout the night and stay in touch and possibly meet up. He texted every half hour or so asking how it was going, said he was trying to move his group closer to me, asking what I was wearing, etc. I said I was heading home around 2, asked him how his night was, he responded and said it was random and that they are in the west end. I didn’t respond (what would I even say?!) and have not heard from him since (it’s been a month). My only saving grace is that I never was the first to text (aside from that one last shot Saturday night effort, which, may I point out, he was the one who seemed keen, I fully expected him to not write back, or say something like yeah I have plans). So I get the lead on, again!!!

Not sure I like what’s in the POF sea

24 Aug

I have a bit of a ridiculous story. A couple months ago, I met my (physically) perfect dream man (I will call him HBC) at an event. I thought to myself, “wow, his wife/gf must be a supermodel or something, and she is SO lucky to be with him.” Obviously I have no idea what he’s actually like, for all I know he could have a terrible personality and a fetish for cats, but it was definitely lust at first sight. I am by nature, obsessive, and I thought about him for a solid week after our encounter, wistfully sighing about how such a perfect man exists yet is so unattainable. It’s like meeting a celebrity you love – you get close enough for a few minutes, but know that the reality is you won’t see them again or be part of their lives (okay as I type this I sound super creepy).

Anyways, a couple weeks ago, my co-worker comes up to me and starts making small talk about this guy she’s been talking to. Something she said rang a bell and I was like “whoa, whoa. Are you talking about HBC?!” And I showed her his picture on Twitter, she said yes. I immediately wanted to know how she knew him. Not to be mean, but she is not exactly attractive, nor does she have a good personality. She then tells me she met him on POF (plenty of fish, the dating site that’s been around for ages and known to be purely for seedy hookups). I was floored. FLOORED. To think that:

1) My perfect man is AVAILABLE and LOOKING

2) That he has chosen POF as his dating site of choice

3) Of all people, he contacted my less than ideal co-worker.

I was sent into a tailspin of even more obsession – it was like learning the new Marc Jacobs bag is available at Winners for $80 and my unfashionable friend picked it up by accident. (note: yes, I realize how shallow this makes me). I wracked my brain of what to do – I felt like I had been given a golden opportunity. One of my many problems with dating and flirting and relationships is WHERE to start off. I am boy crazy and constantly see attractive men on my way to work, in my condo, at the gym, the list goes on. The problem is – how the heck do I know if they’re 1) single 2) looking for a date 3) attracted to me? Then I choke because I get so consumed with the possibility of rejection, I just couldn’t handle it if I went up to a stranger and asked him out and he was like “um NO I have a GF.” In this situation, I know that at least 2 out of 3 questions have been answered, which I can honestly say I’ve never had before (the confirmation that a guy is single and actively looking for a relationship).

His profile was awful though – while he has an awesome job and physically beautiful, he is divorced, has children (plural!), doesn’t drink, and is looking for a girl who doesn’t drink. While I don’t get wasted, I definitely enjoy my wine and Caesars. Basically, all of these items are major dealbreakers in my mind. Yet, I can’t get over how good looking he is! I decided to take a drastic action and create a POF profile and message him.

Now, I admit, I’m breaking my own rule of hating game play. But in this case I felt I had to be a bit deceptive. I approached it as though I’d just happened along his profile – oh hey, fancy seeing you on here kind of message. He responded, I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad (he said he liked my picture, asked how I was, pretty PG though), so upon taking my friend’s advice (she is an online dating pro), I responded and asked if he would maybe like to go for coffee sometime.

To my absolute delight, he replied “for sure I would.” and asked what my schedule was like. I replied and mentioned that I worked close to where he works, and he said “great, we could maybe go for lunch, what do you think?” I thought – hells yes, even better (lunch seems like more of a “date” than coffee, no?) I said great, what day were you thinking, and told him I was actually going on vacation until the following week. He said that he was also on vacation, and to let him know when I was back – next week sometime. I was full of butterflies and sunshine at this – finally, a bold move has paid off! I began to channel my energy into stressing about what to eat, wear, and say to him, but was obviously giddy with the whole event.

Then, I returned from vacation, send him a message “hey, back in town. Still up for lunch? I’m free x day, x day, x day, let me know what works for you.” He wrote back a less than ideal message, basically saying that he was still up for lunch but his week is kind of nuts, he mentioned that one day is full of meetings and the other he took off to be with his daughter (ugh). That’s it. Not call to action, no “this week is busy, but how’s next Monday? Kind of thing. I was pretty disappointed when I read this. Similar to my previous post about Boston boy, what is with the initial interest and then let down? Were both of these guys just never interested in the first place, sensed my attraction to them, and then decided to let me down gently by basically fading away and never commiting to hanging out? What the fuck – I am a grown woman and can handle the truth. Had this babe not been interested, he could of 1) never written back 2) written back but be super casual about it 3) Not agreed to coffee 4) Not SUGGESTED lunch.

I get that guys are busy, and maybe this guy actually is. Fine. My problem is, don’t say one thing and get me all excited, and then bail. It’s just such a disappointment. And yeah, maybe he is just being a dumb clueless guy, but please, make an effort! I went from feeling like 100 out of 10 to feeling like a 1.

I’m still crossing my fingers and hoping he’ll send a casual message next week being like “hey, how’s this day for you?” but given that he hasn’t responded to my last message (sure, no problem, let me know what day works for you next week), things are not looking good. Yet another colossal disappointment 😦

Oh, I should also mention how I’ve been getting tons of POF messages from guys, but have ignored every single one except for his. So yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but not the one I want.

Go, go go…STOP

24 Aug

Wow, it’s been forever since I’ve posted on here, yet depressingly/hilariously it seems like things haven’t changed in the love department!

One of my most recent dating disasters took place about a month ago which left me feeling perplexed and confused all over again.

The day started out pretty great – I was heading to a bar to watch the England vs. Italy quarter final with a friend (England is my all time favourite team and I LOVE when the Euro cup/World cup is on). We showed up at the bar, and ended up standing since it was packed, conveniently behind a group of guys. One guy in particular offered us his seat, which we thought was sweet, and from there, struck up a conversation with us. He was very friendly and outgoing, and ended up staying after the game had ended just chatting to us while his friends went to another table. Frankly,  I couldn’t tell if he was interested in my friend, myself, or neither of us, but he wrote down his number and told us both to text him, as he was talking about future “Sunday Funday” and said he had an awesome group of friends he’d introduce us to.

We both texted him later that night, and him and I carried on a conversation for the majority of the night. We discovered that he lives and works a couple blocks away from my work, and he asked if I would be interested in going for lunch on Monday or Tuesday if he wasn’t traveling. I said of course, and I really enjoyed his directness and no time wasted attitude. On Tuesday he texted to say that he didn’t end up traveling, but that work had been crazy but he hadn’t forgotten about lunch. He suggested that coffee might be easier to go for, and also mentioned that he would be going on Thursday with the crew if I was interested. I said sure to both options, told him I was off Thursday. On Thursday he sent me a cute text saying that he hoped I was having a good day off. We made plans to meet up (at my favourite bar, though it wasn’t an ideal meeting spot), so it ended up being him and his co-worker and my and my original friend from the bar.

At the bar, him and I danced (though I am a terrible dancer and warned him of that), and he made fun of my dance moves. He was cute and held my hand back to the group, and when my friend and I left, he gave me a huge hug and double kiss on the cheek. Later, I texted him that it was great to see him (and that I would work on my dance skills). He responded that it was great to see me as well. The next day he asked if I was partying that night – I told him I was at my friend’s cottage. No response. From there, texts went from being all the time and super direct, to basically non existent and pulling teeth style conversations. I tried to keep it going, figured he was busy with work (and because his family was in town visiting), but I was secretly irritated and felt he lost interest (if he was ever interested to begin with). However, the following week he texted “happy Friday, hope you’re having a great day!” so I was like hmm maybe he is interested.

I finally gave it one last shot and flat out told him that if he wasn’t busy that weekend, we should meet up. His response? Let’s do it!!! When I suggested a patio drink on Saturday afternoon, he said he was busy golfing but would keep me posted. He also wanted to know where I planned to go out that night with the girls. So I took that to mean he is completely not interested. Surprise, surprise, he didn’t text me at all on Saturday. On Monday, I decided to text him because my sister actually wanted to buy baseball tickets in Boston (which is where he’s from), so I asked if he had any insight into best place to get the. He replied that he would be more than happy to help and would make some calls to find out. I said awesome, thanks (he totally didn’t have to do that). It’s been a month since that text.

Yes, I get that maybe he was never interested in me in the first place. Or maybe he was and was turned off by my horrible dancing. I just don’t understand how words say one thing and actions another. Okay, you’re not interested? Then why are you sending random texts wishing me a good day? Why start off asking for lunch, coffee out, then all of a sudden it’s pulling teeth. It’s so frustrating!!

Not knowing why is the most frustrating part

5 Sep

It looks like my blog is turning into a series of dating disasters, but it’s a good place to vent. It also appears I’m cursed in the world of love and relationships, and this is the most recent chapter in a cringe worthy, baffling collection of stories about my latest crush. I don’t want to delve too deep into details, as frankly it’s a waste of my time to spend another minute thinking about this loser, but I wanted to bring it up because it got me thinking about why people have such hard times moving on from failed relationships.

Basically, I’ve had a crush on this bartender at my favourite bar since May (yeah yeah, bad idea, I know), but he didn’t seem like the typical man whore bartender, he was more like kind of shy and cute. Anyways, maybe a month ago he finally struck up conversation with me, invited me over to his place for TV watching, nothing happened, but it was fine. He said he had a good time, and we should hang out again. Two weeks go by, no word from him. I finally text him and say I’m going to x bar if he wants to meet up. He’s like ‘yeah for sure, text me when you’re there.’ We texted on and off all night, and plans changed, but the most annoying part was he never wrote back to my last text. And I hadn’t heard from him for like 3 weeks (nor had I been to that bar since). So I decided to go on Saturday, since it is my favourite, and I’m not going to avoid it just because it might be awkward to see him. Although I had pretty much given up on the idea of anything happening, I just figured we’d be on a friendly basis, like hey what’s up. When I arrived, it turns out he wasn’t working, so I was perfectly happy with that. Twenty minutes later, I’m outside with my friend who is smoking with one of the bouncers. This bartender shows up, my friend goes “call him over here!” so to my embarrassment, the bouncer calls him over and says “this girl wants to talk to you” straight out of grade 8 when friends intervened with crushes. It was so awkward, but to make matters worse, bartender takes one look at me and literally BOLTS into the bar. I think my mouth actually dropped open….totally unnecessary and SO RUDE. I ended up texting him against my friend’s advice, and just said “wow, that was really rude.” and promptly deleted his # from my phone. Seriously, who does that? You’d think I was the scumbag of the earth, crazy ex wife of his or something, instead of the girl he hung out with one night and apparently had a good time. It’s not like I’ve been texting him nonstop being like “why haven’t you msgd me?!” I’ve played it painfully cool up until that night…and even still I don’t see what I could have possibly done to warrant that immature reaction from him. So if he’s found some other chick, great, but that still doesn’t excuse that shitty behaviour. I’m truly baffled!

Now, I don’t even want to attempt to compare my pathetic dating stories with all the suicides I’ve been reading about in the news these past couple weeks, but it got me thinking of how incredibly frustrating it must be to have to accept another person’s behaviour without any explanation. I will never know why bartender had such a strong adverse reaction to see me on Saturday, but I’m not going to stick around to ask. But when I hear of Wade Belak’s suicide, and Trey Pennington, both men who seemed to have it all from an outside perspective (wife, kids, successful career), I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be for their families to comprehend how these two men could feel so alone and depressed that they’d rather be dead than continue being a husband and father. I know that depression is an illness, and it’s heartbreaking that these men felt they couldn’t go on. But thinking from their spouses and kids perspective, aside from my first reaction of being devastated, I would be furious and confused – they will never know the real reason why.

You Always Want What You Can’t Have…

11 Aug

Why is it that we always want what/who we can’t have? It’s a little bit like the chicken or the egg dilemma – are we attracted to people because they’re so unavailable and they become a challenge and conquest? Or are we just attracted to the wrong people?

For example, last weekend my friend and I met a couple guys who were nice enough, but we weren’t interested in anything other than friendship. They asked for our numbers and mentioned they would like to hang out next week. Sure, whatever. The next day, I ended up chatting to this guy I’ve had a crush on for a few months now, and we ended up hanging out at his place and watched TV. Nothing happened, but just being able to hang out with him was awesome and I was so excited when he texted the next day and said he had a good time. Fast forward to two days later on Tuesday. Who do you think messaged me? Guy I’ve secretly loved for months, or random guy I couldn’t really care less about? If you guessed number 2, you are bang on. Random guy asks me out to dinner and proceeds to send 3 follow up texts before I got the chance to write back. Fast forward to two weeks after that weekend, and still no word from secret crush. SO annoying!

I admit, I have zero game, and I’m the worst when it comes to dating/flirting, whatever. I hate that gameplay is involved, I just want to be myself. None of this “oh I texted last, so he should respond next” bullshit – I hate that I need to make a conscious effort to play it cool. If you’re interested in someone, what’s the harm in being honest? Like yeah – I want to hang out again, but I don’t want to wait three days before I feel it’s appropriate to respond. On the flip side, I admit I’m turned off when people are too eager. It can’t be too easy, it’s unappealing when someone makes themselves available to you at the drop of a hat and will cancel plans to hang out with you . I get it – people love the thrill of the chase, we like a challenge, it makes the ‘prize’ that much more valuable. My question is – how do people ever get to be in relationships? Is it just a matter of one person caving in and admitting their true feelings? How long should one keep up their game playing?

This problem doesn’t just happen with girls either. My best friend Matt is fairly good looking, and he gets quite a bit of “action” across the pond where he lives in London. Despite his promiscuous lifestyle, he is pining for this girl who is smart, pretty, and sweet, but who keeps brushing him off. He can’t stop thinking about her, and continually messages me sad little statements like “She’s perfect. I love her. Why won’t she message me back?” I wonder if he truly is smitten with her because she’s great, or because she’s unattainable and that makes it into a challenge for him?

I’m starting to feel that way about my crush now. While yes, I am attracted to him and really hope things work out, it’s also become kind of a conquest, where if I ever got to kiss him or go on a date, I would feel like I’ve won something or accomplished something, as bad as that sounds.